Reaching out for your hope
by dorina16able
Summary: Sequel to "Fall, but rise up again" With the Battle of Shiganshina over, only nine Scouts having survived and Reiner as their prisoner, Sasha decides to clear things with the one who betrayed them. But when the true circumstances of Marco's death are revealed, it's up to her to help Jean deal with the burden they'll both carry on their shoulders from now on.


**A/N: Okay, now that's a one-shot that was difficult to write...blame Reiner, guys, he's such a complicated character, seriously, and the more chapters of the manga I read the more he confuses me. I know he's not a prisoner in the canon, but I simply needed to write this, so here we are. But poor sweet Marco...if you guys are manga-readers, you know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?**

 **Cris, here's the sequel you asked for, I really hope you'll like it :)**

 **This one-shot contains SPOILERS for chapter 77 (which will haunt me for, like, forever) and the chapters about the Battle of Shiganshina.**

 **Title taken from the song "On my own" by Ashes Remain, I think this song suits JeanSasha a lot.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan universe and characters**

Sasha's not unfamiliar with restless nights; nights of being unable to sleep or sleeping only for one or two hours; nights when all her worries and fears strike and don't allow her mind to rest even when she knows that she needs the rest more than ever.

She's been spinning around for hours now, but sleep doesn't come no matter what she does. Closing her eyes tightly and controlling her breathing, remembering the few funny moments with her friends during their military training, focusing on the others' steady breaths coming from the beds next to hers, recalling her childhood in Dauper, nothing helps, she remains wide awake despite the fact that she's exhausted both physically and mentally.

It's been only a week after the Battle of Shiganshina and she's still recovering from the serious injuries she had gained and which almost cost her life. The bruises and the broken ribs have started to heal and only yesterday she got finally rid of that goddamn bandage around her head, but she still moves very carefully and Hanji has warned her not to stress herself, otherwise her concussion will worsen again. That last advice seems out of place, though, anyway; Sasha still has headaches every now and then, sometimes to the point of a migraine. The Commander has assured her that these will stop in time, but Sasha hates them anyway; it makes her feel weak and useless.

There, she's doing it again, sinking in thoughts and memories that make sure she won't sleep again no matter how much she needs it. It's as if the noises around her sound a hundred times louder in her ears; a bed creaking from someone spinning around—probably Floch, the guy is the newest addition to their group and he's finding it difficult to adjust to all the deaths he's witnessed—and someone else leaving soft whimpers in their sleep—definitely Connie, who can't get over the fact that he saw Bertholdt getting eaten and the discoveries they made in Eren's basement.

Thinking about Bertholdt, of course, travels Sasha's mind to his closest friend and comrade, the one the entire 104th trusted like a big brother only to find out that he worked for the traitors as well. If someone asked Sasha what good came out of the battle that eliminated the entire Survey Coprs save for nine of its members, she'd say that, first, Eren managed to seal the hole in Wall Maria and second that they managed to capture Reiner, who's now being held captive in the dungeon their new hideout has until Historia and the Commanders of the three military branches decide how to proceed.

Sasha shuts her eyes close because a part of her still can't believe that the Reiner she met in the military and the Reiner who fought all of them and declared that humanity deserved to be destroyed are the same person. Her logic accepted it long ago and gave her the strength she needed to fight him and be composed and help her comrades….her sentimental side, though, the one that remembers how Reiner was with them as a soldier, has a harder time to reach the stage of acceptance.

 _What's worse? What the hell is worse?_

 _Eren told me that Reiner slipped between his two personalities because he was so guilty and distraught of what he did to all of us…that he spoke as a warrior and enemy of humans at one moment and as a soldier who asked what Commander Erwin wanted him to do at the other…_

 _So what's worse for you, Sasha? Reiner being the traitor or you getting all confused because of his state?_

Frustrated because of the dilemmas and the betrayals, Sasha decides that, since sleep isn't coming easily, she might as well put an end to this madness. Taking care not to wake up her sleeping friends, she pushes back her blankets with a determined gesture, gets dressed and carefully exits the room, planning to get some true answers tonight and not caring about the fact that she'll probably get in trouble for going to see Reiner in his cell without her Commander's permission.

It's dark in the small house, the only light being the one of the moon that's bathing the main room with silver spots that make her realize that she's not alone; someone is there, she can see the shade that's sitting at the round table. Despite the little illumination, Sasha has trained a sharp eyesight as a soldier and thanks to her archery, so she can see that it's Jean, who's staring in front of him and with his back facing her and she spends a few seconds looking at his form and allowing her mind to travel to his changed behavior.

No one stayed the same after the Battle of Shiganshina and Sasha first of all, now that she's experienced firsthand what it means to be so close to losing your life; but Jean himself, although staying serious and combative, seems also more open towards the others…and more vulnerable now that there are only nine of them, as if he's terrified that someone else will leave them. Even his behavior towards Sasha has changed, become kinder, gentler; he took care of her while she was recovering after the battle, promising her he wouldn't allow her to give up and even kissing her between her eyes to give her faith; not to mention the silent gestures he makes, like caressing the top of her head while passing by or standing right next to her with a hand resting on her shoulder.

If Sasha wants to be honest with herself, she _loves_ that side of his, it shows her a part of his character he didn't display before and she has to admit that it makes her feel warm, safe, like a simple fifteen-year-old girl who spends time with him instead of a female soldier who simply exists to be strong and focus on survival. She hasn't said this to him, of course, respecting the fact that Jean's not one for emotional confessions and sweet words, and so she shows her own sentiment through silent gestures, a pat on the back, a brief hug before going to bed or covering him with his blanket whenever he has a restless sleep.

As she observes him now, she wonders how things would be in another world, a world without war and Titans and conspiracies; how this moment would continue if circumstances were different. They'd surely joke about how neither is able to sleep and then they'd talk about nothing and everything, a quiet moment between the two of them…maybe Jean would cook her that infamous omelet of his that serves as an excellent night snack.

 _Get a grip, Sasha!_ she mentally scolds herself and shakes her head, not knowing where this sudden sentimentality comes from. _You stood up to go and clear some things, not dream about what could have happened!_ It seems, though, that her attempts to be discrete and keep her intentions hidden from friends and superiors alike are futile, because the wooden floorboards screech under her boots and make her presence known.

"Don't you think that sneaking in the dungeon to interrogate Reiner is too stressful for you right now?"

Sasha stops right in her tracks and turns towards Jean so abruptly, that she feels a slight headache that quickly fades. Jean's voice was nothing more than a soft whisper and he's not even looking at her; if anything, Sasha has the impression that she wouldn't even hear him if it weren't so quiet all around. Still, his words, the tone of his voice, concerned and teasing simultaneously, and the hint of a smirk that adorns his face under the moonlight doesn't leave her much room to fumble with her words and deny his guess; Jean knows exactly what she has on her mind.

 _We're busted!_

"C'mon, Potato Girl, only you would be so reckless to go and talk to a traitor we considered our friend while having a damn concussion! And I know for sure that you didn't sneak out of your room to steal potatoes, you'd be rambling in ecstasy if you were thinking about food."

Despite the seriousness of her decision, Sasha can't help but chuckle at Jean's statement and the teasing and yet honesty of his words. She can't help but feel content, almost happy at the thought that he knows her so well, her quirks and tendencies, and still is serious and bold enough to tell her that what she's decided is the dumbest idea she could have. He doesn't even look angry right now, only concerned about how this visit will affect her health after fighting for her life with so severe injuries.

 _Where did we start and where did we end….We challenge and tease each other like we used to, but now we're also concerned about each other and make sure the other doesn't give up._

"Seriously, though," Jean goes on when their smiles fade and they return to the dramatic reality, "what could possibly compel you to see him again after everything he did?"

"I need to know, Jean. I need to hear things from his point of view. I only saw his warrior side, back when he admitted he and Bertholdt were behind the destruction of the walls. But then he broke down because of his guilt…and what Eren told us, about Reiner switching between his two personalities…"

"You wanna try speaking to his soldier side, to the small bits of humanity he has," her friend states and he has to admit he sees Sasha's point; after all, Reiner was like a brother to them and maybe now he'll be more vulnerable to their questions. "Or are you hoping that he'll show that humanity on his own? Because there's no guarantee that he'll do that, Sasha, he could be in his warrior mode again."

"I know. I know there's no guarantee for that. Nevertheless, whether he'll be his soldier-self or his warrior-self, I need to go and talk to him, there are…so many things I don't understand yet. And I'm sure that Commander Hanji, Captain Levi and all of us need more information to know what to do with him."

"And if I tell you that I don't want to know what you'll learn tonight? What will you do then?"

 _Huh? What does he mean by that?_ Sasha thinks and her big eyes widen more, not expecting that question. Of all the remaining Scouts, she was sure that Jean would be the first to demand more explanations from their prisoner, the first to declare that now was their chance to learn practically everything that had caused these chained events. _He can't be testing me, right? So what…?_

And then it dawns on her; of course, why on earth didn't she think about this sooner? Of course does Jean want to know, but he's also scared of what they'll learn from Reiner; especially Reiner, who was trusted by the entire 104th. So many things are still a mystery to them, so many losses and tragedies have yet to be explained…and no one knows _what_ is about to be revealed, what shock awaits the soldiers of the Recon Corps. Sasha looks seriously at him, almost as if she doesn't recognize him, with a sad gaze due to the realization that Jean's willing to avoid some serious information if it means protecting himself from more pain.

"Well, I'll definitely talk to Hanji and Levi…and they'll probably inform the rest of the group. But," she quickly goes on when she notices Jean ready to argue with her, "I can't decide for you, Jean, you're the only one who has the right to decide what you want to do. So if you truly think you can't handle the revelation…I'll respect that, I promise."

Jean's amber eyes widen at her conclusion, the boy being unable to believe that Sasha actually is on his side, that she hasn't said he's a selfish coward for even thinking that; that she is willing to carry the burden of tonight's revelation on her own if she has to in order to respect his wish. In a sudden he feels the unexpected urge to hug her as tightly as he can, to thank her for understanding and apologize for ever considering her stupid…because this girl is something else, funny when circumstances call for it or when she wants to give them courage, serious when it really matters and with a compassion and sweetness that is welcome even now that everything is over… _especially_ now.

 _Hey, land back to reality, Kirstein, stop with the sentimentality already, how much more pain do you have to experience to realize that sentiment isn't an advantage?_

"Jean…I'll keep my promise if you ask me not to tell you anything, I swear…but it's not what you really want, is it?" Sasha wants to know and now her eyes hold an unreadable gaze…not pitying, not exactly…a combination of confusion, kindness and assurance that it's okay for him to be a mess after everything they've witnessed. "Hey, it's fine, you know…it's totally normal to admit that what you actually _do_ want is follow me to the dungeon and listen to everything we're gonna say."

If Jean's eyes were wide before, now they represent an owl's and he's so taken aback that he doesn't even find the words to answer to her because Sasha has hit the bullseye; after so many attempts to hide his true thoughts and emotions, after suppressing his grief and feelings of being betrayed for so long and Sasha guessed everything in a few moments.

 _Does she know me that well? Or didn't I hide everything well enough? Is it because we looked after each other while injured and promised never to give up? Is that what opened her mind and made her see me so clearly?_

"Jean? Talk to me, say anything, I told you, I'll respect whatever you'll decide, it's totally fine…"

"During that feast we had before the battle in Shiganshina…I heard Commander Erwin saying something to Hanji-san and Captain Levi." Jean explains and both of them frown at the memory of their deceased valiant Commander who didn't stop the fight not even after losing his arm. "When it comes down to a decision…you must have a clear mind, without a single doubt clouding your judgment. Even if it means disobeying your superiors…you need to make the decision you'll regret less. And, you see, that's exactly what you're doing right now, Sasha…You're sneaking in the dungeon behind Hanji's back because you need to hear everything from Reiner personally…and you give me the freedom to decide for myself, without pressuring me at all…"

"Is that why you look so lost right now? Because you don't know what you'll regret less?" Sasha asks him softly and comfortingly places a hand on his shoulder, making him meet her eyes. "But, Jean, I don't know that myself, I have no idea what I'll hear, maybe…maybe the revelations will be so shocking that afterwards I'll have huge regrets for pressuring Reiner. It's just that I prefer a shocking truth to being in the darkness, we all deserve clear answers…You can't know the outcome of a decision before you see it done."

The hidden promise doesn't even need to be said because, apparently, Jean knows Sasha better than he ever thought it possible. The message _And no matter what we'll hear you're not alone, I'll be there, right next to you_ , is obvious in the soothing tone of her voice and the way she looks at him and the gentle touch on his arm…and it's like a moment of truth for Jean; all these tragedies _have_ brought them closer, no matter how much they used to challenge each other in their training days, Sasha has become a person he can truly lean on, a person to whom he can show his weaknesses without fear of getting laughed at.

And of course she's right in everything. He's terrified of what will come to surface tonight, of what secrets are to be revealed, but it's much better for him to know than being in the darkness for a lifetime. So many things are still hidden and surely not everything will have a logical explanation in Dr. Jaeger's diaries…now is his chance to see the other perspective, the point of view of someone whose betrayal will surely haunt his comrades for a very long time.

"Lead the way, Sasha."

* * *

The narrow corridor that leads to Reiner's cell is illuminated from torches that spread light all around, creating patterns and shadows on the walls and falling on the blond person who's slumped on the floor, his back leaning against the bench and his head lowered, so at first Jean and Sasha think that maybe he's asleep. His sight is disturbing for the both of them: they haven't seen him at all since the end of the battle, obeying Hanji's command that his interrogation is something the young recruits should stay away from. The memories, though, return with all their strength; memories of fighting together, of supporting each other; Reiner cooking with Sasha, secretly amused by her determination; Reiner, Jean and Armin fighting against the Female Titan, the last two having no idea back then that Reiner was a part of Annie's plan all along. And then the moment of the betrayal, the moment Reiner confessed everything to Eren and the other Scouts who were present.

Jean wasn't there when it happened, learning the news afterwards and, from what he's heard, thank God he wasn't there. When Sasha announced who Annie's accomplices were, she had hesitated, was gentle, tried to tell him the truth as subtle as possible—so how had the others felt, the ones who had heard it from Reiner himself and had to battle against him right afterwards?

Seeing Reiner like that, alone, broken and almost lost in some kind of trance now that Annie and Bertholdt aren't by his side, makes Sasha's confusion return tenfold, this difficulty to truly accept Reiner's identity and hate him for what he's done. It would be so much easier for her if that was the case, if she could detest him for everything without this small part of hers that wants to hear his own point of view.

 _But when was anything easy to be now?_

"Seriously now? That's how they want to punish me?" surprisingly, Reiner is the one who speaks first, his voice having a blank and emotionless tone and his gaze avoiding the boy and the girl who are standing at the other side of the locked door with the iron bars. "Sending here their recruits to interrogate and torture me?"

"Don't tempt me, Reiner," Jean hisses, almost regretting not bringing his sword with him and almost wanting to turn his back to leave; even Reiner's sight makes his trademark anger burn in him. His right hand is balled in a tight fist and he's fighting against the urge to scream loudly at the blond and ask him for one more time how the hell he did this to them. It is Sasha who manages to calm him down, quietly, only by gently grabbing his wrist to give him something to hold on and by nodding encouragingly towards him: a silent message that he's not alone, that he can do this.

"Apparently the constant shifting has messed up with your mind, Reiner," she goes on while turning towards said Shifter, knowing that it's way harder for Jean to be here and that she should do most of the talking. She is still calm, drawing strength from her grip on Jean's wrist as much as he does, but she can't avoid the bitter and sarcastic tone that comes out. "Otherwise you'd have realized that we're not here to interrogate or torture you…no matter how tempting that sounds," she adds and winks towards Jean, the small gesture making him realize that she is barely holding her rage back, that, deep down, she has the same resentment for this entire mess.

"Well, it seems that something _has_ messed up my mind, Sasha, because I don't understand a word."

"We're not here as interrogators, Reiner, we're not even here as soldiers! We're here as two people who lost a huge number of friends and comrades! We're here as two fifteen-year-olds who feel like goddamn adults because of all the fighting and the tragedies they faced! And most importantly, we're here as victims of a betrayal that's left us numb after finding out that the one we considered an older brother is the freaking villain himself!

"And as if this isn't enough," she continues and now the tone of her voice raises as she ignores Jean's attempts to calm her down so she won't worsen her health, "instead of letting Hanji turn you to the authorities so we never have to see you again, we're _here_ and ready to listen to _your_ version! So if what you told Jean and Connie is true, if everything you lived with us as a soldier and supposed friend was real, you owe us that much, Reiner!"

When Sasha stops talking, both boys are looking at her as if they're seeing her for the first time, for they've only seen Sasha so combative and fierce during the battles. Seeing her now, with that fiery glare that shoots daggers at Reiner, an expression that gives her something furious and even sinister and the absence of her usual smile, is as if looking at a whole new Sasha; a Sasha who reflects strength and evokes emotions of respect and even admiration from Jean's side. She doesn't seem to care about her concussion or to recall her previous confusion; hell, Jean won't even be surprised if she transforms into a freaking Titan due to all the anger she shows.

 _Seriously, whoever still thinks that Sasha is nothing more than a funny and kinda silly Potato Girl is a big idiot! She hit him right where it hurts, right to the center of the target; she hit him to the guilt he has and to the main reason we're all so shocked from his actions._

His thoughts are confirmed right the next second, because Reiner averts his eyes from them and lowers his head so he can hide it between his knees while his shoulders tremble from despair and loud sobs. Sasha sighs and, as she and Jean look at each other, even the latter has to admit the truth no matter how unpleasant: it seems that Reiner _can_ feel some sort of qualms and pain and right now it's highly impossible that he's in his warrior personality…this is soldier-Reiner they see in front of them…maybe even human-Reiner, not the guy who used to speak about how mankind deserved to be eliminated.

"You…You naïve…stupid…selfish…fools!" he stutters between his sobs and puts a hand on his forehead without even trying to control his reaction. "You only care about yourselves…about learning the freaking _truth_ , as if there's only one perspective of the truth…you speak of listening to my thoughts, but you don't even bother to _understand_?"

"Understand what? How you and your _buddies_ turned out to be the ones behind all those deaths? How you started living in your lies so intently that you believed it yourself and got yourself in a mess? Or how you declared yourself an enemy of humanity and accused _us_ of confusing you that much?" Jean has to muster his self-control not to yell right now, because at this moment his previous dilemma has vanished and he really wants to know everything. "Well, sorry, man, but our understanding has its limits, you know."

"Jean's right. We don't understand. Maybe we won't _ever_ understand, but we can at least _listen_ and then see everything anew. Enlighten us, Reiner." Sasha adds and she's terrified to notice that she doesn't feel the smallest compassion for the broken boy in the cell; even worse, she doesn't even feel guilty for not being compassionate.

 _If Reiner's tortured by his guilt like that and I can't even feel bad for him…what does that make me?_

 _Oh cut the nonsense, Sasha, no one expects you to be compassionate. You find it impossible to hate him completely, but there's a huge difference between that and actually pitying him…not after all this._

"You think I can simply _talk_ about this, as if it's something simple? You think you'll understand just like that? Do you have any idea what it is to spend your entire childhood taunted by superiors, being told that you're less than dirt, that humans need to be destroyed…and then coming here and seeing that all this is a lie? Not knowing anymore who was honest and who a liar?"

"No, we don't have any idea because it's not _us_ who betrayed our friends!"

"That's why you couldn't distance yourself from us like Annie did," Sasha interferes in the exchange between Jean and Reiner, her hand slightly tightening around Jean's wrist to try and keep him grounded. "You always were there for us, having confused your past with the present, while Annie was cold with us…never approached any of us as a friend, she even attacked you, Jean and Armin in the expedition and—"at this point, though, she finds herself unable to go on and she lowers her head, not wanting to mention one of the most painful facts she learned these months, although it seems that Jean is much stronger than her and continues instead.

"And she had no problem using people without any guilt…like she didn't hesitate to take Marco's 3D gear after he died to kill the Titans the Scouts had captured and then pass the control that would follow."

At this comment Reiner's shaking becomes even worse and he even starts leaving whimpers as if he's in serious physical and emotional pain. His reaction is a big surprise for the other two, even Sasha, who was there when Reiner confessed everything and showed the first signs of extreme guilt, and they share a look, not knowing how to interpret this, although a suspicion starts forming in Jean's mind.

 _I had thought about it…that Annie might have been involved…but…can this be it?_

"Guys, I know you probably don't believe a word of what I'm saying…but believe this…" Reiner stutters and now he doesn't only sound guilty, but almost afraid to talk. "Out of everything…we were forced to do…Marco was…our biggest regret."

"Wait, wait, wait…no, no, no way, please don't…" Sasha mumbles so the Titan Shifter won't hear her as she covers her mouth with her hand, the first tears appear in her eyes and the dizziness in her head starts resurfacing. "Oh, please, anything but this."

Jean, in the meantime, can't even have the same reaction with Sasha, because Reiner's explanation has left his mind completely blank as suspicions take form and become facts…and this is way worse than he had thought, he can't even process it right now…His best friend's mauled body…no one noticing…no one seeing anything…and then Annie taking his Maneuver Gear, but, apparently, she hadn't only used his death, but she was also…

 _And Reiner didn't deny it…he didn't even say 'Annie's biggest regret', he said '_ our _biggest regret'…does that mean…?_

"Reiner, how the freaking hell did Marco die?" he only manages to ask while his hands shake and he almost doesn't feel Sasha wrapping an arm around his, grounding them both to sanity…to whatever small bits of sanity they have left with everything they have learnt. "No one saw everything, I had asked everyone back then, I had even asked _you_ , you were standing there with Bertholdt and Annie when we burnt the bodies and even then you didn't show anything—"

"Reiner…what did you do?" Sasha addresses him and now she can't stop the tears from running down her cheeks; her head is spinning, her breathing has turned erratic and she is unable to process this specific revelations.

 _We all wondered how he died…So many tears, so many nightmares…and as if this wasn't enough…_

"We didn't have a choice, he heard Bert and me talking about destroying the walls!" now Reiner's yelling and they can even hear a slight commotion upstairs in the main house, meaning that they've woken up the others, but they don't care; it seems that Reiner is once more a warrior, defending his actions, even though he's still trembling and sobbing. "We couldn't risk him finding out who we were and talking to the superiors about it!"

"So you decided to silence him forever! You didn't simply use his death to kill Sawney and Bean with his gear, you were the ones who took it and left him to die, didn't you?" Jean yells as well and now he's practically fuming with rage and fighting with tears on his own—he blamed himself for his best friend's death, for not knowing how he got killed and now he learns that the three warriors are responsible even for this!

"I don't believe this! Marco trusted you, Reiner! You could have explained to him, you could have asked him to keep it a secret and he would have listened to you! He wouldn't say anything, not even to us, not even if it meant hiding useful information from everyone!" Sasha cries out, grief and anger overwhelming her. After accepting that they'd never learn what had happened to Marco, a mere decision of hers, her determination to visit Reiner and talk to him, brings the unseen tragedy of that day back to surface.

"I bet he didn't even yell at you when he overheard you talking like warriors! I bet he wanted you to open up to him, explain everything from your side—" Jean can't even finish his sentence and now it's his turn to tremble. He even starts making a few steps towards the cell door, but Sasha grabbing his arm in a sudden stops him.

"Jean…don't…"

Concerned from the weakened tone in Sasha's voice, he turns towards her…just in time to catch her in his arms as her knees give in and she clutches her forehead, her whole body shaking with sobs. He helps her stand, presses her head against his chest and hugs her with all his strength as he tries to calm her and find something steady in the despair they're both drowning in; he knew that this would worsen Sasha's condition, why the hell did he let her come here instead of pressuring her to go back to sleep?

"What's going on down there?" Hanji's voice echoes through the small house and Jean leaves a groan; there are so many issues right now, so many things to be explained…but, in the end, they can talk to her tomorrow about Reiner's role in Marco's death, Sasha's health is much more important.

"Commander! Commander, we're here!"

* * *

Both of them don't expect Hanji and Levi to simply accept their actions and even Sasha, despite the intense migraine that bothers her and makes her feel sick, listens to their scolding without protesting; she knew that going to Reiner behind their backs would have this consequence and is ready to take full responsibility for this. But she has to admit that it's a relief when Hanji says that everything can wait for tomorrow and that now the two soldiers should focus on resting; she needs to be alone with Jean more than ever in light of tonight's events and so she avoids everyone's questions, even Connie's, who stares at her as if silently asking her what on earth broke her like that.

When she and Jean are surrounded by the quiet of the night and the room they use as an infirmary, Sasha once again with a bandage around her forehead, that's when everything sinks in and tears escape her eyes once more. She's still unable to process it, let alone accept it…she imagines Marco overhearing Reiner and Bertholdt and starting putting the pieces together…trying to reason with them as they remove his gear and leave him to die, at the mercy of the first Titan that passes by…Jean telling her that he was found bitten in half without anyone noticing anything and shivers run down her spine.

Jean's sitting right next to her, so close that their arms almost touch, avoiding her gaze and having lowered his head. Sasha fills with despair, not only for the new betrayal that has struck him, but also because she hasn't seen him like that since the night when they burnt the bodies of the fallen, after sealing the hole in Wall Rose. He was like that exactly, blank expression, without looking at anyone, lost in his thoughts, having put distance from everyone.

 _He's going back_ , she thinks and sighs as she puts a hand on his shoulder, almost sobbing when he doesn't even react. _After everything, after looking after me, after me thinking that he's opened up…he's doing it again, he shuts himself from the world, he hides his true emotions from everyone._

 _It's all my fault! Since I knew that what I'd learn would be nasty, why didn't I protect him?_

"Shut up, you're thinking too loudly." Jean whispers, still without turning towards her and with a soft voice that makes him sound like a stranger, compared to how he gave Reiner a piece of his mind earlier. "I have no regrets…I've been wondering about…at least now I know…nothing's your fault. I…I should leave you to rest…"

"No, Jean, no, you're staying where you are! Look at me, damn it, listen to me!" despite the fact that her head still hurts and that speaking so determinedly doesn't help, Sasha focuses on evoking some sort of feeling in Jean, cradling his face and forcing his eyes to meet hers in a look of hurt and despair. "We made a promise, you remember? No matter what the future brings, no matter how much we mourn, no matter how often we break down, we won't let each other give up the fight, you remember that?"

"I…I…I don't know how to fight this, Sasha, it's…it's impossible right now…"

"I know. I _know_ , believe me, Jean, I know he was your best friend, but right now I feel so numb I can't even move! But _that_ 's what we've promised, isn't it? We'll help each other, we'll be here for each other, just…just don't shut me out of your pain, please, let me…let me be here! You're strong and you can do this and you'll make it, but you won't go through this alone!"

Now Jean's shaking and tears are littering his cheeks, bottled up anger and hurt and gratitude for this girl who hasn't abandoned him creating an unprecedented emotional turmoil for him. It's beyond him, how he can't even think properly while she is focused on assuring him that he's not alone, ignoring her own anger and pain for the moment. In his messed up state, he barely even realizes when his lips find hers in a sad and lingering kiss that holds his hurt and his longing for her and her comfort; her hand on his cheek making him feel warm in the coldness that's been surrounding him from the dungeon; Sasha doesn't question it, she simply accepts it and closes her eyes, allowing him to burst out like that, letting him forget everything by any means he wants, no matter how bittersweet this makes her feel.

In another world, a different life, maybe they would have had this moment under completely different circumstances and for the different reasons. They wouldn't be grieving for their lost friend who died so tragically, killed by people they considered allies. Maybe she would be stronger and Jean would be smiling more often and be more open towards her. And maybe, maybe he would see her under a whole new light, caring and feeling about her as much as she does about him…maybe they would have moments like that created out of purer, positive feelings instead of seeking some sort of comfort and life-line; and Sasha doesn't believe how much pain this thought causes her and she embraces Jean even tighter in order to forget it and focus on the here and now and the need to help the other calm down.

"Thank you…for enduring my nerves, for…for being here…for taking my pain away," Jean tearfully whispers and amber eyes meet hazel ones; it seems that Sasha, no matter her wish to hide her previous thoughts, has also broken resistances because a soft sob escapes her throat at the sight of him looking so gratefully and tenderly at her.

She shakes her head, unable to answer, and simply hugs him to let him know that what she said is true, that she's here for him in this ordeal. Jean doesn't have the courage to return to his emotionless and closed self and so he leans in her embrace, taking her warmth and letting his head fall on her lap as he succumbs to the grief and cries until sleep takes both of them.

* * *

Talking to the others the next morning is anything but easy, but both of them are used in difficult conditions and forget their own hurt for the moment. Sasha apologizes to Hanji for sneaking in the dungeon behind her back, explaining with a steady voice that she needed to talk to Reiner personally after living and fighting with him for such a long time. She says that she's ready to pay whatever consequence the Commander thinks fit and Jean looks at her with pride for her composure; cheerful in dark moments, protective and with a courage of her own that makes her see Potato Girl like he hasn't seen her before.

In the end, the information they relay seems to count more for them than their disobedience, for which they only hear a scolding from Hanji and Levi. Talking about Marco hurts way more, as they have to explain who he was, how he was found dead, what he was to all of them and, finally, the true explanation about how he died. Both of them try to ignore the reactions around them, Connie's shocked gasp, Eren's whispered swearing, Floch's questions and Mikasa sighing…though, judging from the way Sasha grips Jean's hand under the table, it's obvious that their friends' added suffering only makes everything worse.

Sasha feels physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day due to explaining, being strong, comforting everyone, meetings with Hanji and Levi. When everyone retreats in their rooms for the night and she finds herself exiting the house to find Jean sitting on the grass with his back against the wall, she almost feels better in an instant; after yesterday's events she doesn't want to be with many people, she needs the silence and the comforting atmosphere that will help her.

"You'll catch a cold if you sit here like that," she softly tells him as she hands him his cloak and a cup of tea she prepared earlier. "Thought you'd need it."

"Thanks, Sasha." Jean tries to smile at her, not wanting to admit how warm this makes him feel; not the cloak around his shoulders or the tea necessarily, but her gesture. Marco's presence is strangely lingering around now that there's the two of them after what happened last night and he tries to block the pain, holding on to the promise they both gave each other when they were injured: that they wouldn't give up.

"No need to smile at me, Jean, I know what you're going through right now." Sasha states with a serious expression, hands folded on her knees and avoiding his gaze; still, no matter the absence of eye contact, she feels closer to him than ever and she knows that it's not only due to yesterday's kiss. "I won't judge you, it's fine."

"Heh, you'll be the first one not to in what seems like forever," Jean replies, his voice having some of its old sarcasm before turning blank again. He means it, though: as a soldier he always goes through some sort of test, he needs to show his strength, his composure, his leadership, his decisiveness; but here, with Sasha next to him, caring about him, he feels he can show his genuine emotions without having to prove a point.

"I know what you mean."

Sasha hesitantly lays her head on his shoulder, carefully, as if expecting a rejection at any moment. But she can't help it, proximity with him in any way is her only steady thing since last night, whether it's in the form of a hug or a tender gesture or merely in the form of understanding each other. And it seems that Jean's thinking the same, because he adjusts his arm so she can be more comfortable, his palm ending at the back of her neck, gently massaging the spot there in a silent assurance that he'll hold his end of their promise as well; just like she's here for him, he won't allow her to drown in her feeling of hurt.

"I…I've been wondering what…what would happen if we lived in a different world, you know," she gently states and spontaneously snuggles in his hug, nose buried in his neck, feeling his breathing, the calm movement on her own neck encouraging her to open up. "A life where our friends would be alive, where…where we wouldn't have to worry about war, survival, pain…where we would be simple fifteen-year-olds…" _Where moments like these with you would be normal, carefree, not the result of us being a mess._

Truth be told, Jean hasn't made such thoughts before, too focused on the dangers of the present to think about alternative scenarios. But now, with his mind ready to explode because of everything he's learnt and at the same time fogged from confusion and hurt, he can't help but follow Sasha's way of thinking. A different life, a more cheerful one, where he would have his friends and his mother and he would wake up every morning without worrying of dying in the middle of the day…he has to admit, it's oddly heartwarming, this version of life, it creates warm images of hope, where Sasha has a central role.

In another world they would have met normally, had a normal friendship…moments of love and fun and friendship instead of moments of stolen joy and closeness. He would have treated her better from the start, not laughing at her like he used to in their cadet days, seeing her funny and goofy side from another perspective…maybe he wouldn't be the cold and arrogant brat he pretends to be now to protect himself. His best friend would be alive and there for everyone, seeing always the good in people and trying to wake their positive side no matter what…Jean smiles, Sasha's statement helping him in the present condition, breaking the walls he's put between the world and himself.

In a different world they would have been happy, that's for sure…no matter the problems there, nothing can be compared to this cursed world that forced them to grow up like this. Since they don't have this, though, since they are here and fight for their lives and have to endure enough tragedies for three lifetimes, they can only have the present, now that they've retaken Shiganshina and have come closer to the truth behind the Titans. It's up to them now, to create their own happiness and contentment; and as Jean squeezes Sasha's shoulder reassuringly and places soft, comforting kisses on her hair, nose and lips, he feels that there's still room for hope in this messed up society.

They still don't know what this is, of course. They have so much to sort out and what they've learned about Marco will haunt them for a very long time, probably never disappearing. They have issues to solve, nightmares and pain and attempts at peaceful moments. What they have isn't exactly love as they want it to be, not yet, although both of them feel that this is what they want and what they'll have in the end. For now it's comfort, protection, tenderness, assurance that both are too strong to give up and, most of all, it feels right to them. And in the end, it's all that matters.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, guys, this is it, hope you liked it and so sorry for the dark tone and the Marco feels I caused. Stay tuned, more one-shots will follow and if you have a request, please feel free :)  
**


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